I guess i just thought that with all the let downs lately, if i spent two hours getting pretty—wore a dress i just bought because i knew youd like it—even used my new makeup—for no reason— id be worth you maybe coming back.
I dont know who i am anymore.
I can’t believe that someone i knew for over five years, someone i ‘fell in love’ with, someone who I used to not be able to go a day without— is now at boot camp somewhere on the east coast.
I was cleaning my room and i stumbled on that old book— so small, taking up such an insignificant fraction in the universe— but as i read it, i became emotionally weary, and by the end i convinced myself that a wormhole from here to a paralell universe where those things happened had let a small remnant of evidence through the cracks.
I don’t believe i regret those days. I wish i spent my time more valuably, and with people who deserved it.
And i was really looking forward to going out, even doing something stupid. And of course, he cant. Yeah, im not gonna catch a break.
Im so cooped up and my anger is so bottled up that im gonna erupt.
And now that the guests are gone, its time for alienation.
I cant ever satisfy a thirst that you need quenched because i have no control over you. But, of course, go on. I dont mind being your punching bag. Kick me to the ground, spit on me. Thats all A-okay. When i get up off the ground and i start to soar, youll be stuck here on the ground, no way of contacting me but your screams. As i soar, they will grow smaller… Inaudible… Insignificant.
Spent all day yesterday cleaning the house for mom since she hhad company coming, didnt get to 10% of it because i had to go to work. Work sucked, got off 2 hours late, come home to be lectured abput how i id a ‘half-ass’ job when really it was my sister who came home and messed up the house. Try to explain, she doesnt believe me. I snap and scream at the top of my lungs, demanding tobe heard, slap her, and leave. Once away, i read a book until 730 am. Come home, try to sleep. No sleep last night. No time to eat or shower this morning due to company being here. Get a call from work saying my box was 40$ short. Neglected by my mom because i stood up for myself a few days ago. Had work, stayed an hour and a half late.I get written up because my supervisor failed to close my box until 1130, and i couldnt account forthe missing money. Come home to a house full of strangers and i wanna curl up in a ball and cry because even though its my 2 year anniversary i had no time. Shower, cry. Try to sleep, fail, since now im sick with a head cold.
Try to smoke so i can stop crying, i cant even take a drag from a cigar.
Give up, and now im currently in bed, listening to drunk strangers sing to shitty music and play beer pong in my kitchen. Fucking great.
My moms ready to kick me out because she blames my sisters faults on me, and i was apparently 40$ short in my register last night. Not to mention mother wouldnt let me talk when sje provoked me last night, so i drove away and smoked.
Im so ready to throw in my gloves and give up.